Original Song: A Parody
by fagur fiskur
Summary: My totally fair and not-at-all biased parody of the events that went down in the Glee episode Original Song. Kurt/Blaine and other canon pairings.


**A/N: **What's this? I don't know, I have yet to read it, myself. I'm running on two hours of sleep and four cups of coffee. Also, my hands are shaking and I can't get my legs to stay still. Everything's really fuzzy. Enjoy!

For that person (you know who you are) who begged me on their knees for me to write another Glee parody. Hope it doesn't disappoint!

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><p><strong>Original Song<strong>

We begin the episode with a shot of the Warlbers studying quietly in their choir room, when BLAINE bursts in, doing his best Kool-Aid man impression and throwing paper all over the place. The other Warblers immediately join in with their sweet harmonies, but KURT looks less than impressed.

BLAINE sings about being in misery while wearing a grin so wide it looks like it's about to swallow his face. They all run out into the hallway, where the Warblers start busting a move. BLAINE does his best to get KURT to join in, failing to notice that he looks kind of bored.

BLAINE: Lalala being lead is awesome~

KURT: *checks his watch*

Warblers: *start hitting the shit out of some innocent tables that happen to be standing in the hallway, in a move tumblr has dubbed as "the hungry vikings"*

The song finishes and everyone looks stoked except for, again, KURT.

BLAINE: Did I do good? Did I Kurt, huh, huh?

KURT: Meh

BLAINE: Pfft, whatevs, you're just jealous

KURT: Well, yeah, obviously. You've had like every single solo since I got here. I'm not sure most of the Warblers even sing anymore, I think they just record your voice and layer it throughout the song.

AUDIENCE: Meta! Meta!

Cue title card.

We cut to RACHEL and FINN alone in the choir room (well, BRAD's there too, but he's mostly a prop by this point).

RACHEL: Okay, so My Headband kind of sucked but that's okay because this new song is awesome and totally heartbreaking *hands FINN a box of tissues, just in case*

Then she starts singing a song about the pains of being an only child, as if RACHEL BERRY could ever handle having to compete with someone for her fathers' attention.

RACHEL: Did I do good? Did I Finn, huh, huh?

FINN: Meh. At least it's not as atrocious as My Headband.

ME: Quit ragging on My Headband, that song was legendary.

FINN tells RACHEL that she needs to write about real emotion instead of headbands and imaginary siblings if she wants to reach people. No duh.

The camera pans away to show QUINN creepily lurking in the hallway, spying on RACHEL and FINN. She starts what could possibly be the _creepiest _voice-over in Glee history, talking about first loves, prom queens and more in way that makes her seem kind of unhinged. Then she proceeds to take the whole "friends close, enemies closer" thing way too literally and decides she's becoming RACHEL's new best friend.

(one would think RACHEL would be suspicious of QUINN's sudden change of heart, but then again, it's RACHEL)

We cut to KURT sitting in his room, whistling with PAVAROTTI like a freaking Disney princess, when suddenly, the bird keels over.

KURT: Pavarotti?

AUDIENCE: D:

Well, that's all we'll see of that as we immediately cut to a Warblers' meeting.

BLAINE: *makes some suggestions about minor alterations to their uniforms*

WARBLERS: *freak the fuck out*

Suddenly, the doors open to reveal KURT, red-eyed and dressed in his finest funeral outfit.

BLAINE: Kurt, why so sad? Do you need me to comfort you in a totally platonic yet misleading way? I could give you a shoulder massage!

KURT: I've had enough misleading for one season, thank you. Anyway, Pavarotti's dead.

BLAINE: You sure you don't want that massage?

KURT: What I want is a goddamn solo for once. Since my bird just died, I think I'm entitled to that much.

He pulls out a casette tape (do those still exist?) and hands it to a nameless Warbler. He inserts it in a casette player (why would they have one of those just lying around?) and _Blackbird _starts to play.

KURT starts singing and his voice sounds lovely, as always. Soon, the Warblers start to join in with the background harmonies but most importantly, so does BLAINE!

He doesn't sing for long, however, as he soon looses interest in the song and gets a very contemplative look on his face. He's looking at KURT like he's seeing him for the first time. He smiles.

This, ladies and gentlemen, is the face of someone falling in love.

It's no wonder really - KURT hasn't been himself for months, muted first by fear and then by the strict laws of Dalton Academy and the Warblers. For the first time in forever he's laying himself completely bare for the whole world to see, singing out his heart and soul for his dead pet and it. Is. Beautiful.

Or, you know, maybe BLAINE's just got a hard-on for the Beatles. One or the other.

Anyway, the song finishes and we cut to MR SCHUE telling the New Directions that they can't do Sing! for Regionals. They really should have seen it coming, every time they've prepared a set-list for a competition in advance (well, that one time they did), something (read: SUE) has screwed them over.

Okay, so what now?

RACHEL: Original songs!

New Directions: Nowai

QUINN: Yes way

New Directions: o_O

QUINN: Rachel and I could write a song together

SANTANA: As much as I want to watch that train wreck, I'm suddenly way more interested in writing my own song

So is the rest of the club, for some reason.

MR SCHUE: Well, I see nothing wrong with putting together a setlist composed of songs that have yet to be written less than a week before the competition

So it's settled. New Directions are heading for Regionals, more unprepared than ever before(although they will later top themselves at Nationals).

Cut to the hallway, where BRITTANY is approaching SANTANA, looking a little bit like a kicked puppy.

BRITTANY: What did I do wrong?

AUDIENCE: *wibbles*

SANTANA: I don't handle rejection very well, okay? Whatevs, I'm totally straight now and I'm gonna write a love song for my boyfriend and it's gonna be awesome.

Then SUE pops up out of nowhere, insults the girls some (tweedle-boobs... hehe) and makes some very (very, very) thinly veiled threats.

SUE: Also, something about playing dirty

The girls open their lockers, which are somehow filled with dirt.

SUE: Hah, pun

Cut to the Warblers discussing their setlist (read: how awesome BLAINE is). THAD in particular comes off like a lovestruck teenage girl.

BLAINE: Jesus Christ, you'd think I was the second coming. You know, except for the whole gay thing.

THAD: *dreamy sigh*

BLAINE: Screw this, I don't wanna sing solos anymore. I wanna duet. With KURT.

DAVID: Yeah, we know... wait, you mean sing

KURT gives a feeble attempt at modesty but the Warblers will have none of it. There are so many shippers on this deck, it's not even funny.

We cut to the New Directions and their first song writing seminar. SANTANA announces that she and TINA have already been working on a song and MR SCHUE lets them have at it.

SANTANA: I wrote this song for Sam. It's called _Trouty Mouth_

Amazingly enough, MR SCHUE lets her continue after that (perhaps not so amazingly. This is the same man who allowed his students to perform drunk). SANTANA starts singing about SAM's lips because she's omg-so-heterosexual. Too bad the song is composed entirely of insults.

For some reason, SAM is not cool with being insulted through song by his girlfriend and cuts her off.

MR SCHUE: That was... anyone else?

PUCK: Yo!

He, like SANTANA, wrote a song for his significant other. Of course he's got the _Fat Bottomed Girls _fiasco to go by, so surely this could not be awkward or insulting in the least...

PUCK starts singing a song with a nice Rockabilly feel and it's... well, it's basically one, long fat joke. It's not mean-spirited though and LAUREN seems to like it well enough, but MR SCHUE is less than impressed.

We cut to FINN standing by his locker along with QUINN.

QUINN: Prom!

FINN: Huh?

QUINN: I know Regionals are coming up and all but we need to think about more important things. Like plastic crowns and approval from people we hate!

I swear, QUINN is getting more and more unhinged in every scene she's in.

FINN: But Rachel-

QUINN: Screw Rachel

FINN: Okay...

The camera pans over to RACHEL, who's watching FINN and QUINN as they walk off together.

RACHEL: *sadface*

But enough of that, we've got more important things to watch. Like a romance that hasn't become tired and contrite.

We cut to KURT sitting by himself, decorating PAVAROTTI's casket. A little morbid but hey, it's KURT. In walks BLAINE.

BLAINE: Put down the glitter, I've got a perfect song for us. Admittedly it's about a bitter break-up, but it's emotional! That's something, right?

KURT: Maybe. Why did you want to do a duet with me?

What follows is a scene that, like the bully-talk scene between KURT and BLAINE in NBK, I cannot for the life of me make fun of. What happens is BLAINE admits his feelings for KURT in the sweetest, most romantic way imaginable.

And they kiss. Twice. It is quite possibly the two hottest kisses in television history. The sound wall is pierced as a million fangirls screech with joy at the same time. The sheer amount of internet flailing causes rowders to explode all across the country. The space-time continuum is ripped apart as God Himself extends His hand from the heavens to give the thumbs up.

It is glorious. The end.

No, wait, the episode is still going. Apparently there's some competition or something that's still left.

Anyway, MERCEDES is singing about... something. Hey, if it's not sweet Klaine kisses, I'm not interested.

MERCEDES finishes her number and MR SCHUE is for some reason not satisfied. Don't ask me why, cockblocking keyboards aside I really loved that song.

MR SCHUE: If it's not about pain and suffering, it's not relatable enough

They start to count off the various ways SUE has been tormenting them (since apparently she's the only one in the school who does that...?) and decide that it's good enough material for a song.

Cut to QUINN and RACHEL in the auditorium.

RACHEL: We're friends, right?

QUINN: What show have you been watching? I mean, yeah, sure

Blah blah blah, more FINN drama, apparently RACHEL's not over him blah blah blah what else is new?

Okay, so what we basically get from this scene is RACHEL's motivation to finally write a decent song. Also, apparently QUINN thinks she and FINN are destined to be Lima losers forever (which is completely different from both of their characterizations from last season, but this is Glee we're talking about. We're lucky if the characters are consistent week to week).

Cut to the day of the competition. SUE drops by MR SCHUE's office to gloat some, they exchange barbs, all the usual stuff.

Enough of that scene I guess, as we cut straight to the competition. ROD REMMINGTON is once again a judge, along with a Sarah Palin stand-in and a stripper-turned-nun. Huh. Interesting combo.

We jump straight into Aural Intensity's opening number, a jaunty little tune about Jesus. Say what you want about the performance, their choreography is far superior to both the Warblers and the New Directions.

Then we are brought backstage, where the Warblers are prepping for their performance.

KURT: Meep.

BLAINE: You're adorable, you know that?

FANGIRLS: *sore-throated squee*

BLAINE: Also, you'll be fine

KURT seems comforted by that, if only marginally. Then it's time to perform!

They get on stage and if the song is a bit unsuited for their voices, KURT and BLAINE more than make up for it by being ridiculously cute and not taking their eyes off each other the entire time.

Then _Raise Your Glass_ starts up, with BLAINE singing lead (hey, we can't expect them to change their entire set list days before Regionals! They're not the New Directions). It's a fun number and in my totally-not-biased opinion, probably the best performance of the entire competition.

And now it's time for The New Directions. It starts with RACHEL taking the stage alone, singing about how she keeps messing shit up. Then they sing a group number about how awesome it is to be a loser.

Cut to the judge's room.

SARAH PALIN STAND-IN: *is a political cartoon*

STRIPPER-TURNED-NUN: *is strangely awesome*

ROD REMMINGTON: *is ROD REMMINGTON*

The Sarah Palin stand-in thinks that Aural Intensity should win (shock. awe), while the stripper-turned-nun seems to be team Warblers and ROD REMMINGTON favors the New Directions and their "fresh" songs. Obviously the competition could go any way at this point because there's not as if there are six more episodes left to fill this season or anything (although you wouldn't hear any complaining from me if we just focused on Klaine being cute and couple-y)

Anyway, we cut away from the judges' room and to the stage, where all the teams are assembled. There's really no point in dragging it on; New Directions win. SUE punches the drunk lady announcer so there's a surprise, at least.

KURT: I really should have stayed on the team with the most main characters.

Cut to PAVAROTTI's funeral. KURT apparently forgot to hand out invitations, since he and BLAINE are the only ones present.

BLAINE: This reminds you of your mom's funeral, doesn't it?

KURT: Well, it does now. Mostly I'm just pissed about not getting the shiny trophy

BLAINE: At least we still get to perform for old people and unsuspecting mall shoppers!

KURT: I'm not even going to dignify that with a response

BLAINE: Come on, we may not have won but we've still got each other

Admittedly they would have gotten each other either way but this attempt at comfort seems good enough for KURT. BLAINE offers him his hand and they walk off together.

Cut to the choir room at McKinley, where the New Directions have voted on an MVP for the first and only time. It is, predictably enough, RACHEL.

RACHEL: *makes a saccharine speech about team effort and feeling special and stuff that, despite my better judgement, I teared up at*

ARTIE: Group hug!

And we enter the hiatus on a New Directions group hug. Yay!

END EPISODE


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